Review: Bryan Loves You (2008)

If Bryan really loved me, he wouldn't have allowed this fucking movie to be made. This movie is proof that Anchor Bay Entertainment, a company that I loved, that I used to adore, is now turning into The Asylum Entertainment. Not since Death Valley: The Legend of Bloody Bill have I been this pissed off at a videorelease movie. Now, what is this movie about? I don't even fucking know! I don't get it because the filmmakers (HA I used the word filmmakers) did such a shitty job of getting the story across. So here is what I think Bryan Loves You is really about

So the movie is one of those "from the camera's point of view" movies and from what I understand some guy named Jonathan has been living in Arizona for the past two years and is just now noticing that people are starting to worship a god they call Bryan, who keeps away their devil, Tanzi. He tries to find out more about the cult and follow them, and when something goes wrong and his wife (or at least I think it's his wife, they never make it clear) is kidnapped and brainwashed by them, he decides it's best to just continue his investigation because he's a stupid fucking character. So this ends up with him going to the asylum because he doesn't worship Bryan (I think that's why). It gets to a point with him in the asylum, that you wonder, what the fuck does this have to do with Bryan? Well in case you were thinking that, the director pulled some Bryan masks out of his ass and put them on some people who run the asylum. So from there on he is trying to figure out what is going on until he escapes and meets up with two other people who have been looking for others who do not worship Bryan. For some reason I don't understand Johnathan leaves the shelter that they have allowed him into. This leads to one o the most non-fucking-sensical endings I have ever seen. I didn't understand what happened and frankly I don't care

Ok, now why does this movie suck? Well I just explained the plot that really makes no goddamned sense. First of all it's supposed to be a POV of a camera. But not only do they show Jonathans own camera, they show security cameras of where Jonathan's walking. Wow! I didn't know school classrooms had security cameras or even shacks in the middle of the fucking desert. This is also an example of crossing the point of action is really god damned confusing. The DVD cover actually says that the movie has "shades of A Clockwork Orange" which I'm guessing because both have to do with rehabilitation? Oh no, i got it, the beginning of the movie opens with a "It's Only a Movie" style intro from Tony Todd and the first thing he does is open up a cane that's like the one Alex used in the scene where he beats the shit out of the droogs and throws them into the water from A Clockwork Orange. Really now?

Overall, what ever you do, do not watch this movie. This wins worst movie I have seen from 2008, it beats Disaster Movie by a lot. Thank god I only rented this. I give this a whole 1/10. In theory this movie could have been interesting and really creepy, but no they just fucked up.