5. Don't Go Near The Park (1981)First of all the plot of this movie is convoluted to fuck. It starts out with a brother and sister living in 10,000 BC having a curse placed on them for killing a child. They will live forever, but to keep themselves from looking like dried up shit stained corpses, they have to eat the flesh of the living to retain their youth. The only way to reverse the curse is to kill the spawn of one of the siblings at the age of 16, but for this to work they have to be a virgin. So the brother finds a woman whom he hypnotizes and has a child with, but at the age of 16 escapes and lives with some runaways who live in the park with a hideous old woman. Soon it turns out the old woman is one of the siblings who had the curse set upon them. Sot he brother is searching for his daughter, to make matters worse for him she's having relations with one of the runaways.
Who gives a flying fuck, really? The movie's fucking stupid. Every character got on my goddamned nerves. It's not just boring to watch, but aggravating to watch. The movie is only 80 minutes which is way too long for this, it feels like double the running time. The dvd comes with 20 extra minutes that was removed from the film due to print damage as a bonus feature. THANK FUCKING GOD this was removed from the final product. The DVD also advertises that Linnea Quigley and Aldo Ray who together are in the movie for probably 10 minutes. I guess Dark Sky Releasing was too embarrassed to advertise the real lead actor, Crackers Phinn.
4. Bryan Loves You (2008)
A movie that proves Anchor Bay Entertainment. A company that I used to love and cherish for giving the star treatment to most of my favorite movies, is turning into the dreaded Asylum Entertainment. It takes what could be a creepy concept for a film and turns it into one of the most unwatchable horror films I have ever seen. It follows a man as he gets a little too skeptical over a surrounding cult that follows a leader only known as Bryan. It's also one of those supposed found footage movies. Apparently home video cameras and security cameras magically edit themselves together. I also never knew that there were security cameras inside abandoned shacks in the middle of the desert. As the movie goes on, it makes no goddamned sense whatsoever, the ending left me wondering what the fuck just happened, I had no idea what happened on screen in front of my eyes, the characters are fucking idiots. Not only does the fact that this movie was released piss me off, but the fact that Anchor Fucking Bay released this piece of shit, oh I'm sorry, Starz Entertainment released it.
3. Death Valley: Revenge of Bloody Bill (2004)I thought the first three minutes of the film were a trailer for another movie. That is how bad the editing is for this movie. The movie just follows some dumbass kids as they stumble across some zombies in an old western town. The characters are pretty fucking stupid in this. The directing is god awful, the editing has that ADD flashy editing look to it. It's overall a bad movie that's just boring.
2. Psycho-a-go-go (1965)
Speaking of boring movies we have the Al Adamson classic, Psycho-a-go-go as number two
I'm not going to go too far into the back story here. But Al Adamson originally shot a heist film for TV, that was rejected so he added more plot to it and then released that and called it Psycho-a-go-go. Apparently this is one of two released versions of the film. The second version has more plot added to it and it is titled Blood of Ghastly Horror. Well I saw Psycho-a-go-go and that was too much for me. I could have given two shits about what was going on in the movie. Al Adamson has made it onto my list of worst directors. I have only seen three films by him, and all of them were painful to get through. Psycho-a-gogo being the worst.
1.
Black Devil Doll From Hell (1984)I've seen some bad Shot on Video movies but this is just fucking horrible. Here's the plot, a very religious woman buys a doll. The doll rapes the woman, then walks itself back to the store. The woman becomes a nymphomaniac and can't find anything to match the dolls wooden cock.
Yep Great Plot. It's painful. Some scenes may be funny out of context, but when you're actually watching the full movie, it gets annoying after two minutes. Throughout the movie I can't tell if the quality of the video camcorder it was shot on was just bad or if the lighting was bad. I think it's a combination of both. The soundtrack is ear-piercing, and covers up most dialogue. Oh god the dialogue. Don't get me started on the doll. Just stay away, far away from this. You don't want to see this monstrosity. There was another film from Chester Novell Turner, Tales fromt he Quadead Zone, but I am debating whether to seek it out or not just because I'm curious.
So there you have it. Five movies that no man should ever have to see. There are some movies people consider to be the worst movies ever made, like Troll 2, Bloodsucking Freaks, and Zombie 90, but those movies are fun, and are worth a watch just for entertainment value. In my opinion, the worst movies of all time have to be unwatchable, god awful, pieces of shit.
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